SOC Sunday: Changes

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

I’m participating in another week of Stream of Consciousness Sunday, hosted by Fadra. I am enjoying the weekly writing prompts that Fadra suggests. I saw this one last night before I went to sleep and I must say I can tell my brain was working on it while I slept.

Today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt: How do you feel about change? Do you like routine and predictability? Does it bring you comfort or discontent? Talk about it general or tell us a specific story about a big change in your life and how you feel about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmm… how do I feel about change? I think like a lot of people, I’m a creature of habit. I get used to things being done a certain way and have had a hard time when things change.

It’s definitely much easier when I’ve taken some part in creating that change. Something like the past 3 times we’ve moved, we’ve moved voluntarily, I took part in the decision for us to move, picking the new house, signing the lease with the new landlord, organizing the move, and so on. While it was difficult to move, in many ways it was exciting. I had some ownership over the change.

When change just happens, like it can sometimes, it’s much more difficult for me to deal with. It takes me longer to make the transition, longer to get used to the idea or the practical aspects of the new situation. There have been times when change has elicited a response very much like grief. Grief over the loss of the familiar situation and resistance to the new one.

We once considered moving 300 miles away, I guess it’s not that far, it’s not moving 3000 miles away. It didn’t happen. When we realized it wasn’t going to be possible, we sighed with relief. In retrospect, we realized we weren’t ready and we weren’t truly looking forward to the change.

All in all, I think it truly depends on how the change happens. It matters if it’s sudden or gradual, if it’s planned or unexpected, how much time there is to prepare for the change. It’s definitely important to have all of the information, support, and encouragement to make it happen.

~~~~~~~~~~

What about you? Do you like change? Do you take change well or do you struggle with it?

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a five minute brain dump. Link up at all.things.fadra

I got lost on Wednesday…

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

Ok, so I didn’t literally get lost. That would be embarrassing for me, I have a friend that calls me as I’m her human GPS.

I got lost in all the things to do… I lost myself in the tasks and duties of the day and didn’t get to do some of the things I wanted to do… you know, like write a blog post. I actually spent part of the day texting my husband the things I was doing because I wanted a record of it all, just for myself. Curiosity got the best of me and I really wanted to know. Are you ready for my Wednesday, April 25th, 2012?

Got up, semi-straightened the blankets
Showered, brushed teeth
Got dressed
Fixed bed
Got kids breakfast
Made little one’s lunch
Emptied dishwasher and put dishes away
Drove older son to high school
Drove younger son to school, he had a “bad stomachache” and came home with me
Drove mom to work
Stopped to fill gas tank ($77 later)
Put some items away in craft room
Confirmed book to mail for Paperbackswap
Finished putting together a package for a Ravelry friend, a Random Act of Kindness (RAK)
Cleaned the stove since I made a mess when I cooked a pot of beans on Tuesday
Took out a roast to defrost for dinner
Fed the dogs
Ate a bowl of cereal (Lucky Charms, for the win)
Folded and put away laundry
Heated younger son’s lunch (his stomach was not hurting too bad, was it?)
Finalized flyer for Margarita Night at husband’s school
Coordinated morning drop-off coverage for 8 days in May
Translated a letter English-Spanish for husband to include in school documentation
Translated husband’s school’s weekly bulletin English-Spanish
Put white clothes in the washer
Sent email to parents in younger son’s class re: field trip on Friday
Picked up older son from school
Took both boys to the barber shop to get hair cuts
Picked up mom from work
Put white clothes in dryer
Folded and put away color clothes that had been hung up to dry
Prepared roast and set to cook (husband made sides and checked doneness of roast)
Filled out a reimbursement form to turn in to younger son’s school
Helped sister-in-law with her defense for her portfolio for high school graduation
Ate dinner
Helped clean up after dinner
Worked on a knitting project
Printed some forms I need for household stuff
Prepared a lot of this blog post
Answered lots of emails
Pinned some things on Pinterest
Tweeted
Collapsed into bed

Maybe this was all in preparation for Thursday, it was the Thursday of this month that I receive my IV infusion of Orencia, treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Most times I receive this infusion it really drains me and leaves me out of commission for the rest of the day. My Thursday got a bit more complex though. My younger son woke up with sharp stomach pains. I scheduled an appointment to see his primary care provider after my infusion appointment. It’s nothing serious, we have a game plan. He absolutely has to eat more fruits and vegetables. We’re going to try dairy free to see if he’s sensitive to lactose.

In essence, I’ve been just as busy the rest of the week. As I write, it’s 7:22 pm on Saturday evening and with me in bed I have my laptop to finish this post, my iPad to follow a knitting pattern, my iPhone to keep track of rows so that I can finish a very large knitting project that I’ve got in progress. I admit I’ve kept knitting while re-reading the post to make sure it makes sense.

Sometimes there are days or weeks where I get to take care of everything else on my plate and this blog gets pushed aside a little. I am definitely the CFO, Chief Family Officer, here. Ok, I’m going back to my knitting project and next week I will finish up my posts for the 3rd Annual Knitting and Crochet Blog Week.

SOC Sunday: A measure of success

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

Welcome back for another installment of Stream of Consciousness Sunday hosted by Fadra of all.things.fadra. This week’s prompt is one I’ve thought about often, especially as my roles have changed and shifted, and also the older I get the more the definition changes.

Today’s (optional) Writing Prompt: What is success to you and how will you know when you achieve it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve mentioned more than once recently that I’ll be 35 this year, in less than two months actually. When I was younger I used to have milestones. I had decided that by the time I was 30 I wanted to have my Master’s Degree. At that time, having a Master’s degree was a measure of success in my opinion.

Yes, I have a Master’s degree in Social Work with an emphasis in Health and Mental Health with additional certificates in Substance Use Counseling and in providing services in Spanish. I’ve also got a certificate in Birth Doula and Post-partum Doula services. I’m also a Certified Hypnotherapist.

I have all these certificates that are framed to be able to be hung up on the wall. However, the frames are in a canvas tote bag in our storage shed. Those certificates don’t mean to me what they did when I was working towards them.

Today, I measure success by what surrounds me and on a day-to-day basis. I measure success by the way my body feels, on a successful day there is less pain, less stiffness, less discomfort. I measure success by my relationships with my husband and kids, some days are better than others but that’s a part of being human and in communication with other humans. I measure success by what I’m able to do on a daily basis – including the mundane stuff like laundry, dishes, etc.

My definition of success is no longer tied to “the right job” with a paycheck that’s a certain amount, or by having certain things. It used to be but with the changes in my health and in our family life, that’s all changed. There’s still a part of me that wants all that but I don’t know how realistic it will be for me to pursue a full-time job and to be able to maintain it.

In some ways it’s very refreshing to be heading to a “milestone” birthday – the big 3-5 without any additional pressure of “I have to meet this goal by June”. I’m not completely convinced that this is the best way for me to operate. I tend to be a goal driven person, I like to have something that I’m working towards to, I make plans. We’ll see what happens next…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you define success?

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a five minute brain dump. Link up at all.things.fadra

SOC Sunday: Stuck in a pigeonhole

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

Here for another installment of Stream of Consciousness Sunday hosted by Fadra of all.things.fadra. I’ve got some other things on my mind so I won’t be answering the prompt but here is the prompt if you’d like to join in and link up:

Today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt: How do you feel about where you live?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been thinking a lot about my creativity or lack of it lately. This week I was thinking of a project for my son’s school. As the head room mom I’m in charge of putting together a basket for the silent auction for an upcoming fundraiser. One of the items in the basket has to include an item that the kids have contributed to or participated in. Our class will be putting together a movie night themed basket.

Many of the room parents at the school have the kids decorate a ceramic item and then have it glazed and fired. I TRIED going this route, I really did. I had a wonderful idea of getting a popcorn bowl and then having kids use their fingerprints to make “popped popcorn kernels” around the rim. I went to the ceramics place and looked around. We won’t be able to use yellow paint for fingerprints and the other color that was possible wasn’t inspiring me.

I sent my husband a text and complained not only about my predicament but the staff person’s lack of assistance. She just gave me attitude about what I wanted to do. It all changed when I sent him this text:

“I don’t have time for a sewn thing, that would be a lot easier for me”

From there it became a frenzy of texts and deciding to make a lap quilt. Still fitting the movie night theme it would a lap quilt to curl up under during family movie night. A million ideas started flowing and I’ve now purchased fabric to take this on.

This got me thinking about the lack of creativity I’ve felt recently. I’m not sure what’s being truncating the flow of ideas. Well, I know I’ve had a lot of other things on my mind and creative endeavors have not been at the forefront.

Apparently, blogging has been in this category. I have recently felt like I’ve been stuck in a pigeonhole. It’s been my own doing: DEAR Monday, WIP Wednesday, FO Friday and SOC Sunday. I’ve gotten to the point that if I don’t have a post that fits one of those themes on that particular day then I don’t write a post. I don’t know where along the line I told myself that this was the rule. But, Hello? this is my blog I can write whatever I want, whenever I want. Duh! Big headsmack! This is liberating already.

So in the past couple of days I’ve broken out of the pigeonhole of having to do a ceramic item for the silent auction basket AND I’m breaking out of my self-created pigeonhole of having to write certain posts on certain days. I think I see smoke coming out of my ears from the whirlwind of ideas flying around in there. Woooooohoooooooo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a five minute brain dump. This week I wrote until it felt like this thought was complete. Link up at all.things.fadra

SOC Sunday: What a week

Posted on March 11, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

I’m back for another installment of Stream of Consciousness Sunday hosted by Fadra of all.things.fadra.I’m not going to be answering the prompt this week but here it is if you’d like to write about it and link up or go visit Fadra to see what she and others have written.

Today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt: Have you reached the prime of your life? What do you want to be your legacy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a week…

On Monday I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. He believes that my RA and fibromyalgia are both flaring up due to increased stress. I definitely have had an increase in stress the past 4 months or so. There has been a lot of additional stress since before Thanksgiving. My doctor decided to discontinue one of my medications and to increase the dose of another one. He also told me that I had to reduce my stress. It would have been helpful if he would offer some tangible suggestions for how I could do that.

I went on an amazing field trip with my son’s class to Año Nuevo State Park to see the elephant seals. We had a great time, the views were breathtaking, the elephant seals were majestic. And of course, I overdid it.

My legs have been bothering me a lot lately – I’ve been having a lot of muscle spasms e.g. tightness in my calves, hamstrings and quads. My hips have been bothering me, particularly my right hip. I often wake up with pain on the outside of the hip joint and I feel very sore right at the hip joint. Thursday I saw my primary care provider and she said that the soreness at the hip joint is not in itself a joint issue but a muscular/soft tissue problem. I will start physical therapy on the 20th. She also recommended doing a stretching routine in the morning and at night as well as looking for beginning/gentle yoga classes to help my muscles loosen up and not lose conditioning.

The appointment with the podiatrist on Friday went as I expected. I’ve been feeling the plantar fasciitis acting up in both feet again. I know the symptoms and the sensation that I feel when it’s acting up. It started to feel the way it did in October 2010 when I was told that I was tearing the plantar fascia in the arch of the foot. Just like in 2010, I am back to wearing a boot cast. For the next 4-6 weeks I will be sporting a walking boot cast on my right foot this time. Luckily, I don’t have to wear it while I sleep and I will, of course, take it off for driving. I think I want to decorate it, the plain black is so boring.

This week has left me feeling a bit deflated. One step forward, three steps back. I know that it could be worse and trust me I’m deeply grateful that it’s not any worse than it is. I was reading a post by RA Guy yesterday and so much resonated with me. He wrote about the importance of being confident in the decisions we make, his focus was on his decisions about his treatment. Two points that he wrote about that really hit home for me were “Connecting with my non-RA self” and “Failed Hope”.

I was talking to my husband about this and how the appointments this week really affected me. After a week of doctor’s appointments and the setbacks that have been confirmed for me, I feel like anything I’m doing right or trying to do is overshadowed by the RA. I am not my conditions, I happen to have these conditions. It can be easy to lose hope about how my body is responding to life, my attempts at taking care of myself and the treatments I am using to manage it all.

Apparently this is further proof that I haven’t learned my lesson. This is obviously an opportunity for me to sit back, reassess my boundaries and stick to them. I can’t expect for things to continue as they have been and expect different results. Isn’t that the true definition of insanity? Do things the way you always have and expect different results.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s a five minute brain dump. This week I wrote until it felt like this thought was complete. Link up at all.things.fadra

AHA! I haven’t learned the lesson yet.

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

Apparently my bouts with indecision have been happening for a long time. Need proof?

On December 15, 2010 I took pen to paper and wrote this:

It’s always an interesting experience to read before I write. It almost feels like a ritual now, like I HAVE to read before I can write.

Maybe I read in hopes that the answers are already there, written on the page, waiting for me to come back and discover them. I don’t even know what they’d be the answers to. I don’t know what I’m asking or what I’m looking for.

Maybe I’m hopeful that I’ll look back and find that I wrote something good, that I had one day when I felt good, that I wasn’t stressing about something, that maybe one day I knew. Maybe I knew and I forgot. Maybe I know but if I know how come I feel like I don’t know.

I think I enjoy complicating my life. I want it to be simple, I really do. Ho do I do that when there are so many complications. What makes my life complicated?

Sometimes everything. Too much to do with not enough time. Too much stuff without enough space. Too many needs/wants without enough resources. So much desire without enough energy. It looks like there’s a huge disconnect between supply and demand.

How do I even it out? How do I begin to clear my plate of extra crap that I don’t want on it? How do I set the boundaries of not giving everything of myself & depleting me to meet someone else’s needs? How do I ask for what I need? without feeling guilty, without making demands, so that I can be heard and have some of those needs met. By trial and error?

There doesn’t appear to be a manual… maybe that’ll be my book. Maybe I’ll write the manual. But how? if I don’t know either.

I found the journal I had written this in today as I was moving some things around trying to improve the use of space in my craft room. I read this last entry and remembered the conversation I had with Jennifer, acupuncturist extraordinaire, last Thursday about setting boundaries and not falling into a self-sacrificing trap and cycle, again. When she mentioned that it’s not the first time I find myself in a predicament because I don’t exercise my “No” muscle enough I blurted out:

“It’s like the Universe is telling me I haven’t learned the lesson yet.”

And it appears that this is the truth. I keep falling into an old pattern of self-sacrifice, of putting others ahead of myself, of employing looser boundaries that are necessary for my current self. I’m not sure where the pattern started, I don’t know where I learned it, maybe it’s hardwired into some part of my DNA or my psyche that I’m not aware of right now. Maybe it’s the “Good Latina Mom” in me, sacrificing myself for the betterment of the kids. Even though I know that the opposite is true. Whatever it is, I need to do something different. This isn’t working, again.

SOC Sunday: This season

Posted on February 26, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

My husband and younger son were off of school this week for a mid-winter break, ski week, or some other reason. I don’t really know why they need a whole week off in February when they just had Christmas break. Oh well, we enjoyed a nice week together. We went to the beach, exploring outdoor science exhibits in San Francisco, just spending time together. Our older son was off on Monday for President’s Day and we included him in other stuff after we picked him up from school. I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about that but instead I’m participating in Fadra’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday this week. As you may remember, Fadra has included optional writing prompts for us each week.

Today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt: Define the season of your life at this very moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was thinking about something very similar to this topic earlier this week. On Tuesday, my husband had to go in for meetings even though they were on vacation. I took advantage that our son was still sleeping and I watched Rachael Ray’s 1000th episode of her morning talk show that I had on the DVR. I told my husband that I was feeling conflicted – proud of Rachael Ray after seeing her so many years on TV to achieve that level of success (I admit I felt a little foolish of feeling proud of someone on TV who I have no connection to) and at the same time feeling sad for myself.

I was sad because Rachael Ray has a passion that she has followed, she does such a great job at it and she looked so happy! I feel like I don’t have that…

I’m almost 35 years old (there I go admitting that on the Internet again) and I have the time and opportunity to do what moves me, what lights my fire, what I’m passionate about. Yes, I have the challenge of my body not cooperating 100% 100% of the time but I don’t believe that should stop me from pursuing something on my own. The problem is that I’ve lost sight of what that is.

I have a lot of interests, a lot of things that I can do, things I can do well but I can’t pinpoint any one thing that I can consider to be a passion to propel me forward. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t have the personality or maybe the attention span to do one thing, that I have to do various things. That’s why I can’t ever have just one knitting project at a time. That’s why the book Renaissance Soul resonated with me on a level I couldn’t understand. I think it’s time to re-read the book.

My current season: I am a mother, a wife, a woman interested in crafts that wears jeans and running shoes every day. I need to feel comfortable in my clothes and in my surroundings. I read books – a lot of them. I write this blog. I connect with people who are in similar situations to me. I am a woman with chronic health conditions not my chronic health conditions themselves. I do not let my health define me. I don’t work outside our home (Thanks hunny! I appreciate not having that additional pressure) and I have the opportunity right now to shape the rest of this season and to work on a plan as to where I go from here so that next season I don’t find myself in this same conundrum.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute-ish brain dump. Link up at all.things.fadra and check out more posts.

Reset and Refocus

Posted on February 25, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

Sometimes when the depression takes over and when my body goes into rebellion I have to take a moment to step back hit the reset button and refocus. This last episode with depression was difficult, I was much more vocal about it and I tried all the tools and techniques that I know have helped me before with little relief.

I’m happy to say that the depression is lifting. It feels as if it ran its course and had nowhere to go but away from me. Maybe talking about it more, sitting in the discomfort and the darkness, feeling it more fully this time are all making this improvement feel so much better. I can’t say that I did anything specific for it to lift, for it to go away.

I’ve taken some time to sit back, hit the reset button, refocus my energies.

I’m doing my best to stay on course with taking care of my body – this includes eating a gluten-free diet as much as possible, drinking lots of water, adding some movement in as I can, and taking my medications as directed. I keep going to acupuncture every two weeks because I know the benefits of it are essential to my well-being. I try to keep my brain stimulated by reading and keeping it engaged. Ok, I know reality tv is not necessarily the best way to keep my brain stimulated but it’s a small indulgence.

I’ve been trying to keep myself talking about what’s going on instead of stuffing things and putting them away to fester to overwhelming levels. This is supposed to help my emotional well-being. Talking to and staying connected with friends helps too.

My friend, Kim sent me a wonderful Random Act of Kindness that we like to call a Random Act of Monster. I received a beautiful Petunia the Patio Monster (Ravelry link) from Rebecca Danger’s The Big Book of Knitted Monsters. Petunia was a very welcome addition to my home and has also been helpful in fighting my recent monsters. Isn’t she adorable?

The love and support from friends and family has been great. Now that the depression is getting better, I’ve got to focus on my body getting better.

Wonder Woman FAIL!

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

That’s a photograph of the tattoo I have of the Wonder Woman logo. The three stars represent my husband and my two sons. The banner says “MSW 2007″ – Master of Social Work, the degree I received in 2007. That was 3 years after diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I had a 12 year old and a 4 year old. I pursued the Master’s Degree with an emphasis in health and mental health. It is my firm belief that I had to go deep inside and find some true Wonder Woman stuff to have survived a full-time graduate school program, married with children and doing internships as a therapist – first to primary school children and then to adult victims of crime.

Almost five years later and I don’t know what happened to all that Wonder Woman stuff I had in me. Maybe there was a limited supply. Maybe I used it all up. Maybe I’ve just been delusional all this time and I never had it.

I know Wonder Woman is a fictional character… I’m not that delusional, at least not that I’m aware of. I’ve loved Wonder Woman since childhood – watching re-runs and spinning around in circles in the living room hoping that my outfit would change, longing to have a golden lasso of truth and an invisible jet. I think the invisible plane would have been to escape. Some days I’m still longing to escape, that’s one of the reasons I’m obsessed with reading. At least while I’m reading I’m lost in someone else’s story, someone else’s drama.

On many occasions, you’ll find me wearing one of my many Wonder Woman t-shirts or my sweatshirt, I’ve been wearing the Wonder Woman belt my husband kids and kids gave me for Christmas on an almost daily basis, I always have my tattoo. All this in an attempt to convince myself that I have it in me, that I have the strength and the powers to deal with it all. I can handle anything that comes my way.

Maybe I am delusional. I can’t handle it all. Recently I’ve been overwhelmed. There’s too much going on around me, then my brain kicks in and assures me of all the ways I’m wrong, of all the ways that I’m failing, of all the ways life would be simpler if I could hide under a rock and disappear.

Here’s the kicker, I’m very self-aware. I know when I’m slipping into a depressive episode. I’ve been through many bouts of depression and I’ve seen various therapists and taken anti-depressants. Usually I notice it, vocalize it and work towards getting out of it quickly. This time, I don’t seem to be succeeding. I noticed it, I vocalized it yet nothing I’m doing seems to be working to get me out of it. I don’t want to take anti-depressants again, not with my current medication combination. I can’t afford to go to therapy, I’d rather go to acupuncture. Besides that, I know what would happen at therapy. The reassurance of no woman being Wonder Woman, that none of us can do it all, none of us can handle it all. The reminder that it’s me being too hard on myself.

So, I’ll save the money on the therapy sessions, I’ll hang on to my childhood dreams of being Wonder Woman. Tomorrow I will pop in the Wonder Woman DVDs (I own all three seasons thanks to my husband), spin around in the living room in hopes of my outfit changing and in the hopes that everything will resolve. Even though I know realistically that life is not that simple and that Wonder Woman didn’t battle my kind of demons on the show.

#SOCSunday: The week ran away with the time

Posted on January 15, 2012 by Simply Gabriela

So we all know how the dish ran away with the spoon… yeah, well this week ran away with the time.

This was a rough week – Mr. Bubba had evening meetings at work 3 out of the 5 workdays and last night we had to attend the school’s Annual Crab Bash. While it was a fun event, he was still working – shmoozing, talking everyone up, networking, or as someone on Facebook said: hussling.

Having him gone in the evenings makes it difficult to maintain some semblance of a routine for all of us. Dinner times fluctuates, the little ones swimming is more complicated (I can’t take him into the women’s locker room and he refuses to go to the men’s locker room alone so he has to get dressed in the women’s bathroom), stuff to be done at home where I need his help can’t get done – I’m pretty independent but I can’t go into the storage shed and dig out the Christmas boxes alone. I sit here typing as I sit in the recliner next to the dried up Christmas tree that still has its decorations on.

I’m hoping this week was an anomaly, that next month I can’t expect the 2nd week to be this packed with meetings. I’ve got obligations at our younger one’s school as his class’s room mom and I have evenings I have to be at his school. We’re still working it all out. I’m sure soon enough we’ll fall into a rhythm, at least that is my hope.

Trying to keep up with everything house/kid related kept me from blogging this week. I did manage to read another book though so look for my post about it on Monday. I cast-on and started a knit hat while watching the 49ers vs. Saints NFC Division Playoff game. Wow! What a game!!! It doesn’t matter which team you were rooting for, that was an amazing football game. I’m not going to lie – I’m SO HAPPY the 49ers won but the Saints have to be acknowledged for a great game and for bringing TORTURE back to San Francisco.

Today, after I finish writing this, I’m baking cupcakes to celebrate my sister-in-law’s 18th birthday! She’s the baby of the family. Now, talk about time running away from us… I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by. And next week, my own baby turns 9 – shaking my head…I’m off to seize the day and make the most of every minute.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute-ish brain dump. Link up at all.things.fadra and check out more posts and to find today’s prompt if you haven’t written your post yet.