It’s Five Minute Friday Free Write Time. Today’s word is “Broken”
Hmmm… There’s so much I can write about this. This month I’ve been broken, I think I’ve been on the verge of breaking for a couple of months or maybe a few months. I’ve been in the deep black hole of a depressive episode. It hasn’t been easy. Looking back I can see that this episode had been coming, I’ve been stuffing it down forcefully and I’ve ignored it. It seems like the depression took that as an opportunity to get stronger and it finally beat me. The past few weeks have been rough. Once the depression got me, it got me in a tight hold. It’s been like an anaconda continuing to wrap itself around my psyche and squeezing, turning everything darker and darker.
It’s been a perfect storm leading up to it: continuing to be my mom’s primary caretaker with very little respite; adjusting to our son being an adult but quite often not acting very mature or responsible; a road trip vacation that came with just as many challenges as it did with happy memories; trying to convince our little guy that he can entertain himself without electronics; gearing up for another school year for both my husband and our younger son; preparing for my mom to have another surgery at the end of August; trying to maintain my training schedule for running races that are coming up.
One of the true signs that depression has set in is when I start reading like a machine, trying to escape into someone else’s stories so that I don’t have to think about what’s happening around me. 14 books so far this month… Check out my Books Read Page or my goodreads profile to see what books I’ve read. I’ve been trying to write at least a couple of sentences on goodreads reviews when I finish a book since there have been so many that the stories are starting to get jumbled in my head.
I haven’t been running enough. My eating has been sporadic. My sleep has been awful. I’m having more pain than I had been. It’s a continuous cycle because running regularly, eating and sleeping well would help me feel better but I just don’t feel like doing any of it. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide… for a while. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can crawl under a rock and hide or bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.
Luckily, I can say that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and I feel more confident that this episode will be over soon as I pick up the pieces and put myself back together to not be broken anymore. In the past few days I’ve been trying to be more intentional in doing the things that I know will help me pull through and feel better. I started working on a sewing project, yesterday I got my materials ready, today I started cutting fabric. I’m also working on a DIY project – today I applied the first coat of paint. I’ve started gathering the supplies for a running related project. I’ve run 8 miles so far this week, I’m gearing up for a 10 mile run this weekend. I’m 9 days out from my 2nd half-marathon and not training will definitely have a negative impact on my running on race day. I’m hoping that I’ve maintained enough of my endurance from before to be able to complete the race.
Here’s to brighter days ahead, to putting my broken pieces back together in a stronger, more resilient way.
I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Fridays.