Gratitude

Posted in reflecting on 11/03/2009 10:19 pm by Gabriela
515429_chichen_itzaImage from stock.xchng

This blog is not only a place for me to whine about my situation. Some days are bad, on those days I whine. Some days are good and on those days I can appreciate that my situation is not that bad in the big picture. I know that there are people in worse conditions than I am. So on days like this I am grateful.

I am grateful for:

  • my husband – I luckily married the most wonderful man in the world. He is everything I could’ve ever imagined in a husband and then some. I know there are days when we get on each other’s last nerve but we’re stuck with each other as long as we both shall live, so there. Anyways, he’s mine and I’m not sharing.
  • my kids – I am the blessed mother of two beautiful boys who have taught me so much. They’ve taught me to be the mom that I am today. Even during the hard times, or maybe especially during the hard times. My older son (14 y.o.) has taught me so much, he was born days after my 18th birthday. He gave me a purpose. His younger brother (6 y.o.) reaps the benefits of what I have learned. They both bring me so much joy.
  • my mother – as difficult as some of our experiences have been with each other, and as much as she doesn’t understand the true scope of what I face on a day-to-day basis she means well. She has a huge heart and would give me her heart if I asked her for it.
  • other members of my family who provide love and support in ways that they may not even realize.
  • great friends – real-life friends, Internet friends, Ravelry friends. Friends who have stood by me and been through hell and back. Friends who have recently joined this wild and sometimes bumpy ride. Friends who made the commitment to become family when we asked them to be “Godparents” for our children. Friends who call or text me in the morning (“Good morning sunshine!”). Friends who call me on my birthday even though they know I don’t like to celebrate. My friend who thinks we should go on TLC’s What Not to Wear or on The Biggest Loser.
  • having the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom. Even though the economy is in the state it is in. I am grateful that I can participate in my kids’ lives. That I have been at every football game this season, including the ones on Fridays at 3:30. That I have been at the Halloween parades. That I can be a room mom. That I can do stuff around my house (when I feel like it) and that I don’t feel pressured to have our home look like a museum even though I don’t work outside our home.
  • the children in my life. From the little babies to the older kids. I love the sunshine and spark that they give me in every interaction.
  • the culture and traditions that I come from and that I observe.
  • so many more things that I can’t even fathom putting them all on this list.
 

The curse of invisibility

Posted in RA, fibromyalgia, health on 11/02/2009 09:59 pm by Gabriela

invisible

Photo from stock.xchng

I have grown up idolizing Wonder Woman, I have a collection of Wonder Woman memorabilia.  I love Wonder Woman but there is one power she doesn’t have, the power to be invisible, she does have an invisible jet though. I have often thought that it would be great to have superpowers or super tools. The Golden Lasso of Truth would be excellent, especially when dealing with kids and homework.

Anyways, the power to be invisible would be awesome. However, invisibility is not helpful when dealing with chronic illness. An invisible chronic illness is exactly what it sounds like… an illness that is present but not obvious to the naked eye. It took me several months to be diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) for several reasons: my joints were not visibly damaged, symptoms of RA are similar to symptoms of other illnesses, and I was only 27 at the time. The rheumatologist who first gave me the diagnosis said that he hadn’t thought it would really be RA because I was only 27. He thought I was too young. In research that I’ve done since then I have read a lot of literature that clearly shows that there is no “too young” for RA or other chronic illnesses. I enlisted a second opinion and the second rheumatologist confirmed the diagnosis of RA and soon after added the diagnosis of fibromyalgia. At 27 years old I was facing debilitating pain, a full-time job, being married and having two children, a 9 year old and a 1 1/2 year old.

Soon after diagnosis I looked for some sort of support group or emotional support to adjust to a diagnosis of a life sentence. I know that RA can affect my organs and that there are side effects of the medications that I take. However, I don’t look as my diagnosis as a death sentence. I have to deal with these for the rest of my life. It’s like when getting married: “until death do us part”. There were no groups for young people who are newly diagnosed. There were no groups for young people period. There were no groups for the newly diagnosed. I have basically been going through a grieving process for the past 5 years – grieving the life I thought I was going to have, grieving the career that has been put on hold indefinitely, grieving the opportunities I have missed, grieving the times I could have enjoyed with family or friends. I have gone through all the stages of grief, but just how you can go through all the stages of grief and find yourself going back and forth between the stages when losing a loved one, I have gone through all the stages back and forth, forwards and backwards. (The 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.)

It is difficult to be young and have a condition that can be so debilitating while it is not outwardly apparent. It can be hard for others to understand when they can’t see that there is something wrong. I’ve been asked if it was all in my head, if I had done something to bring on the pain, if I was exaggerating. I’ve been told it’s my fault – flat out. I know that not a lot of people have experience dealing with this type of illness. There have not been huge media campaigns to raise awareness about autoimmune conditions or the over 100 conditions that fall under the arthritis umbrella. Many people are still under the impression that arthritis is only for “old people”. People of all ages can suffer from arthritic conditions/autoimmune diseases/invisible illnesses. People of all ages, from both genders, from any socioeconomic status, from any religious background, of any race/ethnic background can suffer from any condition. There have been a lot of education/awareness campaigns about health issues such as breast cancer, AIDS, quitting smoking, and more recently obesity. I’m hoping that by writing about my experience I can bring some awareness, some understanding of what it’s like to have an invisible illness, to have an autoimmune disorder, to have a debilitating disease.

 

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…

Posted in RA, fibromyalgia on 11/01/2009 06:04 pm by Gabriela

arthritis

So this isn’t a post about hating a person. That would just be plain mean…. not that I am above being mean. Anyone who really knows me knows that I can be VERY snarky and that I can be mean. No, this post is about my health and how I hate the current state that it is in.

I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in mid-2004 and with Fibromyalgia by that Fall. The past 5 years have been a challenge to say the least.

The past year and a half have been the most challenging of this journey. Just before my younger son turned 4 my rheumatologist told me to consider changing employment due to the stress my body was under and the effects on my health. I was employed as a therapist at a residential facility for young men. The long hours, the nature of the work, the inconsistencies all affected how I was managing both the demands of my job and the demands of my health. All while trying to keep up with my family (husband, two kids and my mom).

In March of 2008, I ended my employment and was hoping to be recovered enough from the flare that had begun in October 2007 to find work by Fall of 2008. It is now November 1, 2009 and I have not recovered from the flare. Over the past two years there has been a lot of pain, a lot of stiffness, many changes in medication, two bouts of pneumonia, one bout of bronchitis, one sinus infection. The second bout of pneumonia had me in the hospital for three days and on six different antibiotics, while trying to finish moving. Needless to say, I wasn’t much help by the end of that move.

My rheumatologist has basically given up on me, informing me that I wouldn’t be seen for about 9 months to a year due to an increased patient caseload and not knowing what else to do in my case. My primary care doctor has been helpful in helping me with medications and referrals to others who can help. I have seen a podiatrist (plantar fasciitis due to inflammation of rheumatoid arthritis and possible nodules in the joints of some of my toes). I have an appointment for physical therapy. I also started taking gabapentin, brand name Neurontin, to help with the chronic pain issue. We have also recently increased the dose of Celexa for depression.

Depression usually accompanies chronic health conditions. I was just telling my husband the other day that I have more days than not in which I don’t want to do anything. I feel like I have lost my spark, my motivation, my desire to keep trying to work on improving my health. I have wanted to stop taking medications all together and see what course my medical conditions take. I continue to take my medications because I have two beautiful boys and I want to function as best I can for them. I don’t want their mother to die. I don’t want my husband’s wife to die either. On occasions, I feel isolated. I don’t feel like going out, I don’t feel like talking to anyone, seeing anything. Some days, I just want to lay in bed, doors closed, curtains closed, covered in blankets.I’ve been reading a lot lately. I have stopped knitting, stopped sewing, stopped trying to do any exercise.

I hate that my body doesn’t work the way I want it to. I hate that medications haven’t helped the way I once hoped. I hate that this affects my family. I hate that I feel like I was handed a life sentence.

And since I teased with the title, the original sonnet:

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning 
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
 

Technical difficulties

Posted in Uncategorized on 09/14/2009 10:50 am by Gabriela

Hello readers!

You knew it had to happen. I promised more regular posts then the admin part of my blog broke. After hours of research and trying to get it fixed, it still wouldn’t work. I had to go to a backup version and then worked from there.

So, barring any further technical problems you can expect a post from me very soon.

Thanks!

 

And we’re back

Posted in Uncategorized on 08/31/2009 06:00 pm by Gabriela

It has been a very busy summer around here. With Kindergarten and 8th grade graduations. Getting ready for high school. Moving. A 3-day stay in the hospital for me due to pneumonia. My mom recovering from a mild stroke. Blogging fell to the back burner and has been simmering there for a while.

It seems that things are getting back to normal. Whatever that means. And it is my intention to blog on a more consistent basis. If you don’t hear from me in a while, don’t worry, I’m probably busy living this normal life of mine.

 

I sound like a frog

Posted in RA, fibromyalgia, health on 05/04/2009 03:07 pm by Gabriela

Saturday night we went out to eat and one of the restaurant employees – maybe the waiter or the busboy – was wearing a horrid cologne and waaaay too much of it. That set off my allergies of course, I must have sneezed a hundred thousand times. Mr. Skinny reminded me to wash my hands which I did.

Fast forward to Sunday morning and I woke up with a sore throat – great… a post-nasal drip sore throat! I even had to get up early because we had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mr. Skinny – he’s starting high school in August. Really! When did this happen?!?!??? I don’t remember agreeing to letting my kids grow up. Oops! I went off on a tangent…

I came in contact with a few hundred people there and I’m sure someone there was sick, and since my sinuses had been assaulted by awful cologne which led to the assault on my throat, my body was just primed to pick something up. And, let’s not forget the fact that some of my medications are immune-suppressants because Rheumatoid Arthritis is autoimmune and they want to slow my immune system down.

So by the time I went to bed last night I swear I had a low-grade fever, a sore throat, coughing, sneezing and this morning I woke up sounding like a frog. And because we don’t want to leave anyone out, my body aches because the fibromyalgia decided it would be cool to have a party and it invited the RA.

Maybe hiding under a rock isn’t too bad of an idea. I don’t think I’d get sick under there…

 

Moving on up….

Posted in blog business on 05/02/2009 10:36 pm by Gabriela

Welcome to my new blogosphere home! I have moved my blog to my own domain name and am now creating using Wordpress. I’m still getting everything all settled here but hopefully it will all be just how I want it real soon. It’s similar to moving into a new house and deciding where you want the furniture to go, unpacking all the boxes, then readjusting once you’ve lived there for some time. Get to know about me and my family at the About page. Thanks for visiting!

Mrs. Bubba ~ Gabriela

 

Stitches West 2009 Re-Cap

Posted in Business on 03/03/2009 08:31 pm by Gabriela

Wow! Preparing for and being at Stitches West 2009 was an awesome experience, I met a lot of cool people at the show and am glad that everything went as well as it did.

There were definitely many lessons in this process for me and there are some things I will change going forward. There are some things I will never do again, some things I will definitely do again, and some things that need overhauling.

I am looking forward to creating the new normal here. Things will never go back to the way they were before preparing for the show. Now we figure out as a family how to co-exist with a home-based business and everything that was a part of our “normal” family life.

I am excited that this experience was the official launch of this new venture I’m undertaking and am eternally grateful to everyone who contributed to this becoming a reality, you know who you are.

Mrs. Bubba ~ Gabriela

 

The BIG Reveal!

Posted in Business on 02/09/2009 07:16 pm by Gabriela

Hello all,

Welcome to the BIG reveal here on my blog. If you follow me on Twitter you know that I’ve been working on getting a business off the ground.

This is a whole new venture for me, something I’ve been thinking about for some time. Now I’ve done it and it’s underway. I will also have a booth at Stitches West 2009 in Santa Clara, CA so come on by and visit Booth 1141 near the Market Stage.

WOOT! We’re hitting the big time – off and running!

Mrs. Bubba

 

Is it really February already???

Posted in catching up, family on 02/04/2009 04:44 am by Gabriela

I can’t believe how quickly this year has started off. So many things have happened it’s not even funny. Dare I bore you with the details? There are some exciting things that have begun to happen. That I’ll definitely tell you about, but not just yet… Is that evil? How I make you wait for the juicy news…

Ok, chronologically… I started the reconditioning group at the Pain Clinic. It didn’t work out too well. It was not the group for me and it wasn’t the right time. The group was counterproductive to what was supposed to be helping. Maybe it wasn’t the right time, I know that once I made the decision to stop attending the group I felt a huge, ginormous sense of relief.

We went to Disneyland with Mr. Bubba’s family (his parents, 2 brothers, sister, cousin). We had a great time, our boys really enjoyed being there. I did really well, I must I’m proud of myself for pacing really well. Making sure that I wasn’t going to need a week to recover from being on vacation. We hadn’t all travelled together, so it was definitely an interesting experience. A good one, but still an interesting experience.

Our baby turned 6… Mr. Snugglebunny is now 6. I don’t know where the time has gone. I stop and look at pictures of my kids when they were so little and look at them now and wish and pray that I will not miss a moment of their growing up. There are times when I wish I was Evie Garland from the show “Out of this World” so I can stop time and keep my kids little. Little enough that I can protect them from all the evils of the world, so that I can still make them feel better with a hug and a kiss, so I can still fix everything. However, I know that their growing up is a process… one for all of us. A process in which we learn to let go and let them experience life and the ups and downs that go with it. Experience the joys of a job well done and the disappointment when things don’t go their way. (Ok, I got a little philosophical on that one…)

And now I give birth again, no not to another human, I already have two of those. Now I give birth to the next phase of my professional life, my professional life as a business owner. It is difficult in these economic times to feel confident to put myself out there and say to the world, “Hey, I make this product, you should buy it.” I had been thinking for a long time of a way that I could contribute to our family financially. I haven’t worked since the end of March ‘08. We are managing but I tend to feel guilty over not contributing to our income. My husband has in NO way pushed me to look for work, has not made me feel bad that I am not working. In fact, he has been supportive and encouraging in my journey to heal and feel better. We know that we will always have RA and Fibromyalgia in the car with us on our journey, but they don’t have to be the ones driving the car. They can be silent passengers.

That’s another scary aspect of starting a business, what will happen when there is a flare-up? We have to figure out the contingency plan. Inevitably there will be a flare-up, it is the nature of the conditions. It’s possible that the sheer “stress” of starting and operating a business can bring one on. This is why it is even more important right now for me to focus on balance and self-care. I have to be strict with myself about setting boundaries, knowing and acknowledging my limitations, saying no – often, listening to my body and my wise self as they tell me what I need in order to continue moving forward.

Today, I made my first sale to a retailer who wants to carry my product in his store. We started off with a small order so he could see how it would do in his store. It was very exciting to have someone write a check out to my business. A check that I can take to the bank that says to me that someone thinks it is worth their money to invest in my product.

I know, I haven’t told you what the product is or what it’s for. The website isn’t live yet, there is a holding page but not much else. It’s in the process.

I am blessed to be surrounded by people who support me on this phase of my journey. People who are doing everything possible to get this dream off the ground, people who are investing their time and energy with me, and for me. There are still things to do, things to set up in order to get completely off the ground. My company will have a booth at a large event at the end of the month. Once we have all the information up and running on the web I will put it out here.

I am doing my best to avoid the skeptics and the nay-sayers. I know this will be successful. There is no way it won’t be. I am starting this with the best intentions and with lots of good energy. I won’t let anyone take that away from me. Not this time, too many times I’ve listened to the negative voices and let them convince me to talk myself out of something good. Let them take the wind out of my sails then sit back and enjoy another failed attempt. Not this time. I am working hard at not letting the negative voices of my own internal running commentary burst this bubble.

 
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